RDU magazine online

SMILES

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him for $10 million. This bookkeeper had lost his sense of hearing. It was considered an occupational benefit and why he got the job, since it was assumed that he would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million he takes along another gangster who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The other gangster, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10 million is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: ‘‘I don't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather is told: ‘‘He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather then pulls out a large pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
The other gangster signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin’s backyard!"
The Godfather asks his cohort: "Well, what'd he say?"
The second gangster replies: "He says you don't have the nerve to pull the trigger."
contributed

An umpire at a cricket match was heckled constantly about his decisions.
Weary of this, he walked to the boundary, stepped over the fence and sat next to the chief critic.
“What are you doing?” asked the loudmouthed spectator.
“Well,” said the umpire, “it seems you get a better view from here.”
FORSTER-TUNCURRY, N.S.W.

A telephone rang and a voice said: "Hello! Is your phone number 4444-4444?"
"Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank goodness! Could you call 000 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."
LOWER BLUE MOUNTAINS, N.S.W.

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with other children for a while when he came into the house and asked her: "Grandma, what is that thing called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided that her responsibility was to tell him the truth so replied: ‘‘It's called intimacy, darling.’’
Little Tony said ‘‘OK," and return to play with his new friends.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily: ‘‘Grandma, it is NOT called intimacy! It's called bunk beds!"
KEILOR EAST, VIC.

Due to inherit a fortune when his ailing widower father died, Robert decided he needed a wife to share his good fortune with.
He went to a singles bar and befriended a woman.
After a while he said that he was just an ordinary man, but within a month or two he would inherit $30 million when his elderly father died.
The woman decided she would go home with Robert. A few days later she became his stepmother.
BELROSE, N.S.W.

The travelling parson decided to retire and wanted to sell his horse.
Old Jack, down from the High Country, saw the horse and soon struck a bargain.
He mounted the horse and dug it in the ribs. It refused to move.
The parson then said that the horse only moved off to the words ‘‘Hells Bells’’ and stopped to the command ‘‘Amen’’.
Off they went back to the High Country, the commands working nicely.
Suddenly the sky darkened and a bolt of lightning frightened the horse into bolting.
They were crashing through the bush as Old Jack tried to remember the command to make the horse halt.
Old Jack eventually called ‘‘Amen’’ and the horse lurched to a halt right at the edge of a frightening precipice.
When he saw where they were Old Jack got such a fright he bellowed:
‘‘Hells Bells!’’
CLARE, S.A.