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P.O. Box 91-772

Auckland Mail Centre
Phone 09 359 9961 • Fax 09 359 9962
Toll free 0800 738 695
rotarydu@xtra.co.nz

His wife asked him to go to the shops and buy some cigarettes. He decided to go to a bar and use a vending machine. At the bar he saw an attractive woman and began talking to her. They had a couple of beers and then finished up in her nearby apartment. One thing led to another and a lot of fun. Suddenly he looked at his watch. It was three in the morning. He had been gone for hours. ‘‘I’m in big big trouble,’’ he said. ‘‘Have yougot any talcum powder?’’ The powder was provided and he dusted his hands liberally with it before saying goodbye. Arriving home his wife wanted to know why he had taken so long on a simple errand. ‘‘I went to get your cigarettes,’’ he said, ‘‘and I had to go to the vending machine at the pub. I saw a great looking woman there. We had a few drinks and I ended up in bed with her.’’ His wife demanded to see his hands. She saw they were covered in powder and said: ‘‘Why tell such lies? You have been bowling again, haven’t you?’’ BATHURST MACQUARIE, N.S.W.

A long-married couple were on holidays, taking a stroll in the woods. They came upon an old wishing well.

The wife leaned over, mumbled a wish and then threw a coin down the well.

The husband took his turn, but leaned over too far and tumbled into the well water. He did not surface.

The wife was stunned. Then she smiled and said: ‘‘It really works.’’
Lacy’s larrikins and ladies

What men say and what they really mean . . .
That’s woman’s work MEANS I don’t understand how to do it.
I help around the house MEANS I once put a used towel in the laundry basket.
I’m not lost MEANS No one will ever see us alive again.
HINDMARSH, S.A.

A wife finally persuaded her husband to have a medical checkup. The doctor asked how often he exercised.
Came the reply: ‘‘I don’t exercise. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.’’
EDWARDSTOWN, S.A.

I knew my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to start with an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, laid down, got up, gyrated, jumped up and down, pulled up, looked down, and perspired for an hour, but by the time my leotards were finally on, the class was over.
LOWER BLUE MOUNTAINS, N.S.W.

The smooth-talking salesman told the woman customer that the material she was buying would cost a kiss a metre extra.
She decided to buy 10 metres and the salesman could not close the sale quickly enough. The woman then pointed to a wizened old man standing by.
‘‘That’s my grandfather. He pays all my bills,’’ she said.
BRIGHTON, S.A.

A student was chatting with a senior citizen when he pondered on the generation gap.
He said: ‘‘You grew up in a different world. Today we have television, email, jet travel, space travel, computers . . .’’
The list went on and when the younger man paused the senior said: ‘‘You are right. We did not have them when we were young. We had to invent them.’’
SAWTELL, N.S.W.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
BELROSE, N.S.W.

The teachers read fairy stories to a class of infants once a week. They decided the story for the day would be Three Little Pigs.
The teacher came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read ‘‘and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said ‘Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’ ’’
Pausing, the teacher asked the class: ‘‘And what do you think that man said?’’
One little boy raised his hand quickly and blurted out: ‘‘Crikey! A talking pig!’’
Lacy’s larrikins and ladies

A woman at the supermarket wistfully said to the checkout attendant: ‘‘I always dreamed that one day I would be able to spend a lot of money, but I never thought it would be on bread, sugar, milk and coffee.’’
chester hill, NSW