A young man visited his 90-year-old grandfather in a secluded rural area, had a great night chatting and at breakfast he noticed a film-like substance on the bacon and eggs plate.
“Hey, Grandad, are these plates clean?” he asked.

The response was: “They’re as clean as cold water can get them, so eat up your breakfast, sonny”.

At lunch he noticed specks around the edge of the plate that looked like dried eggs and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

The reply was a little more curt with: “I told you before, sonny, those plates are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you worry. Just eat up. I don’t want to hear another word about it”.
When he was ready to go to his car to return to the city, he was suddenly confronted by his grandfather’s dog.

“Grandad, your dog won’t let me get into my car,” he called.
The old chap turns and snarled at the dog: “Coldwater, go lay down.”
STONES CORNER, QLD.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.  
Four worms were placed into four jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol, the second into a jar of cigarette smoke, the third into a jar of chocolate syrup and the fourth into a jar of clean soil.

At the end of the sermon, the minister reported the first, second and third worms were dead.
So the minister asked the congregation what they had learnt from this demonstration.
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand  and said: ‘‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't get worms.’’
WETHERILL PARK, N.S.W.

A small crowd gathered around the speaker at a street corner.
He shouted: ‘‘Come the revolution everyone will drive around in limousines, have a telephone in the kitchen and have land they can call their own.’’
A voice in the crowd protested: ‘‘I am not interested in motor cars or telephones and I don’t want the worry of owning a block of land.’’
The speaker looked back at him and growled: ‘‘Come the revolution you will do as you are told.’’
PARRAMATTA, N.S.W.

One warm day last summer, two work colleagues were outside supervising an activity. The flies were everywhere.
The woman had in her hand a small, leafy twig, with which she was waving away the flies.
She informed her friend: ‘‘I picked up this switch while I was walking my dogs this morning.’’
‘‘Is it heavy?’’ he asked.
‘‘No.’’
So he offered: ‘‘Then it must be a light switch!"
FLAGSTAFF HILL, S.A.

An Australian golfer holidaying overseas arrived late for his first day on the links. All the adult caddies had been taken and he was forced to hire a boy aged 10 or so.
The caddie knew nothing about the course and could only speak three words of English.
Thanks to these three words, the caddie was hired for the rest of the golfer’s holiday.
After each shot, regardless of the result he would stamp his foot and say with feeling: ‘‘Damn good shot!’’
PARRAMATTA, N.S.W.

A man was having a bad day. He was retrenched, then found his car had been stolen and he was sure his wife was being unfaithful.
He decided to go to a marriage counsellor for some help.
On the way there he was knocked over by a cyclist, tripped on the stairs and injured his ankle and when he limped into the office of the marriage guidance centre he found that the duty counsellor was his mother-in-law.
BRIGHTON, S.A