Two elderly women had been friends for many decades. They had shared many activities and adventures. With the passing of the years their meetings had become a game of cards a few times a week. One day they were playing cards when one woman looked at the other and said: “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we have been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name.’’ Her friend fixed her with an icy look for some minutes. Finally she said: “Just how soon do you need to know?’’ lacy’s larrikins newsletter, Qld.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic flow called the Rush Hour?
TAMWORTH, N.S.W.
The clergyman was given a bottle of cherry brandy by a parishioner. With a twinkle in her eye she said it was given on the condition that the gift be acknowledged in the parish news.
In the next issue it was written that “the rector wished to thank Mrs. Smith for her gift of fruit, and the spirit in which it was given’’.
norfolk island
On the way to their wedding a young couple are killed.
At the Pearly Gates they ask is it possible to get married in Heaven. St Peter tells them to wait and he'll find out.
While he's away they ponder consequences, and wonder if it's possible to get a divorce in Heaven. So when St Peter gets back after a very long wait they ask him about divorce in Heaven. St Peter slams his clipboard down and shouts, "It's taken me weeks to find a priest up here. How long do you think it's going to take me to find a lawyer?!"
Stones Corner, Qld
A sailor returned home after a long voyage to find his wife nursing a baby.
He was furious and demanded to know if the father was his friend Sam. The answer was no.
He asked then if it was Bill, Bert or Jack.
The answer still was no.
“Well,’’ said the sailor, “Which one of my good friends was it?’’
The wife snapped back: “Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?’’
GLOUCESTER, N.S.W.
“I have never hated a man enough to give him back his diamonds.’’
ZSA ZSA GABOR

Speaking from the pulpit the clergyman told his congregation every blade of grass was a sermon.
Later that week he was mowing the nature strip in front of his house when a parishioner drove by.
The driver leaned out the window and called: “That’s right, reverend, keep them short.’’
Mount Coot-tha, Qld.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy efficient kind. This week I received a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay.
Boy Oh Boy!! Did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking salesman had told me last year…that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
CASTLE HILL, N.S.W.
The town gossip accused a man of being a drunkard. She had seen his truck parked outside the pub all night.
The man stared at her for a moment and said nothing. Later that night he parked his truck outside her house and left it there all night.
COBRAM, VIC.
A woman applied to a citrus orchard for a job as a fruitpicker.
The orchardist though she might be too well-qualified for the job so he asked: “Do you have any experience at picking lemons?’’
“Well,’’ came the reply, “I think I do. I have been married and divorced three times.’’
NORFOLK ISLAND