A horse trainer gave his hurdle jockey detailed instructions before the big race. He told the rider: “As you approach each jump lean forward and say ‘up and over’ in the horse’s ear. If you say these words you are on a winner.’’ The jockey decided against saying this because he thought the other riders in the race would poke fun at him. Off the field went and at the first jump the horse bungled it, crashing through the brush. At the second the same thing happened. The rider just managed to stay in the saddle both times. He was losing so much ground he decided to follow instructions. At the third he spoke to the horse and the animal cleared the jump like a bird. At every jump the jockey said “up and over’’ to his mount. They went to the front and cleared away for an easy win. Back in the mounting enclosure, the trainer greeted him with the words: “What happened at the first two jumps? Didn’t you say what I told you to?’’ “Yes,’’ lied the rider. “He must be deaf.’’ “Deaf? Deaf?’’ replied the trainer. “No, he’s not deaf. Blind yes, but definitely not deaf.’’ SWAN DISTRICTS, W.A.

The preacher’s sermon was about for-giving your enemies. He asked how many people in the congregation had forgiven their enemies. About half of the people put up their hands. He asked again and about 75 per cent of the people put up their hands. On his third call all but a little old lady raised their hands. “Are you not willing to for give your enemies?’’ the preacher implored. The little old lady said she did not have any. “ That’s unusual,’’ the preache r pressed on. “How old are you? Please come to the front and tell us why you have no enemies. ’’ The little old lady tottered to the front of the congregation and said: “I am 93 and it’s easy why I do not have any enemies. I have outlived all those .........’’ . GUNNEDAH WEST,

N.S.W. Never argue with an idiot. They draw you down to their level and then beat you with experience. STONES CORNER, QLD.

Two strangers, a man and a woman, were travelling on a train when they found they had been allocated the same sleeping compartment. After the initial embarrassment, they decided that he would sleep in the top bunk and the woman would occupy the lower bunk. The lights were out a few minutes when he said: “Excuse me, would you mind hopping out and getting me that spare blanket. I’m feeling a bit cold.’’ The women replied: “I have got a better idea. Let’s pretend we are married.’’

“That sounds a great idea,’’ answered the man. “All right then,’’ was the reply. “Hop out and get the blanket yourself.’’ STONES CORNER, QLD.

Two men were on the train between Sydney and Melbourne. A man in the carriage said he had to get off at Albury, but he was a deep sleeper. He gave them $100 and said no matter how he acted on being awakened, they should make him get off at Albury. The carriage lights then went off. When the deep sleeper woke up he realised the train was in the suburbs of Sydney. “You fools, ’’ the man roared . “I gave you $100 so this would not happen. I’m really cranky with you.’’ One of the men assigned the task looked at the other and said: “He may be cranky, but he’s no way as cranky as the bloke we put off at Albury in the middle of the night.’’ KEILOR EAST, VIC.

The doctor told the patient to listen closely because he was giving him treatment to lose weight. The patient nodded agreement and the doctor said: “For this to work you must follow my instructions precisely. “Every morning take this bottle of 300 tablets, pour them on to the floor and then pick them up one by one.’’ KEILOR EAST, VIC.

When police arrest a mime artist do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? KEILOR EAST, VIC.